


Wondering

by incendiarylinus



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Female Pidge | Katie Holt, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Pangst, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Pls save her, i care for her so much why do i do this, pidge is confused most times, pidge needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 14:11:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11556843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incendiarylinus/pseuds/incendiarylinus
Summary: It made her oh so very tired





	Wondering

**Author's Note:**

> Writing pidge is so hard hope i did okay, sorry it's short i'll do better next time.

She wondered sometimes, if there was a point to any of this, or if she was doing it mindlessly now. Then there were times where she reminded herself that she was doing this for her dad and her brother and nothing more, and that made her feel bad at times, there were people in the universe who needed her as part of this team. Often she didn't know how to feel of this. On one hand she found it amazing that she was so needed in her life, in order for other people to live, yet on another she didn't like it, in fact she hated it.

She hated that she had to fight almost everyday, search every day. Lose a bit more of her hope every single day. She hated how much blood she had seen in her life, how much of that had been because of her? How much more would she have to spill before this war was over? How much longer before she could find her brother and her dad? Would she even find them at all?  
Pidge didn't know. Sometimes, she didn't want to know, and then there were times when she wanted to know so badly that it hurt.

How long had it even been since she had been on earth..seen her mom? She couldn't remember anymore, maybe it was better that way, to not remember those things yet, she doesn't know if she could ever go home. What does her mom think, does she even know she's gone? If she does she wonders how she's dealing with having had lost all of her family now. Her heart hurts when she thinks of things like that, she misses her so much at this point that she almost wants to just stop everything and find a way back just to be with her mom. After all, she doesn't even know if her brother and dad are alive anymore.

She can hope all she wants that they are and that she'll find them but in the end...is it even true? Her small hope that she has left can't fight away the fear that they're gone, not alive anymore. It can't stop the fear that she chased after something that isn't around anymore, that she left the only family she had left with her and they aren't even alive. Sometimes she'll think about if they are alive though and that can be even worse.  
Her mind will play tricks and she'll wonder about if they'll even be the same when she finds them. Shiro had survived and he wasn't the same anymore so who's to say that they are..

For all she knows they could be brain washed, working with the galra instead of being held prisoner, and even then she thinks about how much they must have been tortured to make a switch like that. To join the wrong side.

 

These things....they scare her.

 

Maybe she'll have to fight her own family one day, and that's something she'd rather avoid if she could. She wants them to be okay, she wants to be okay. But she knows realistically that that isn't the case and they can't all be okay when they're so far away and probably hurt.  
She thinks about everything she did before she was taken to space and forced into a war she didn't want to be apart of. She thinks about everything she did just to figure out the truth of the kerberos mission. About how many warnings her mother had given her, how many times she had gotten hurt from getting tossed out like dirt only to try again.

Most times she thinks that maybe she wasn't meant to even be with her family at this stage in her life, all she ever seemed to know what to do was separate from them, or them separate from her. But that's silly right? She should have a family..at least she hopes so. She knows she's overthinking this all, wondering to much bug she can't seem to stop. She lay on her bed late at night and she couldn't get the thoughts to stop, she wanted them to stop, yet they never did. They kept raging on.

It was something she always had trouble with, keeping her emotions in check, it was usually fine during missions and she didn't let it get to her then, saving people was more important than going into a pit of endless confusing thoughts that always contradicted each other. Its during nights like this, when the castle is quiet and she seems to be the only one awake where her thoughts get the better of her, when they start tearing at her mind ruthlessly.

Usually she would try to distract herself by using her tech and trying to find sources on where her family could be, even just seeing if there was anyone who needed help from voltron, but tonight she just couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to stay up later than she wanted, she simply didn't have the energy to do so, not tonight at least. Not for a while now, and maybe it would stay that way. She couldn't even fight the feelings off like she used to, the sole crushing reality that she was without her family getting to her making tears that were long overdue spill over rapidly.

She knew the others missed their families too and she probably didn't have a right to be crying about it like a baby but she couldn't keep it in any longer not when it was consuming her every thought. She held both of her hands over her mouth the keep the sounds from coming out, she knew walls were thin and she didn't want to wake anyone, she didn't need people worrying about her. She could take care of herself, she just had to let it out.

Pidge choked on her muted sobs and shook clenching her eyes tightly shut, she couldn't continue like this for forever, but what else could she do but wait it out and hang on to a hopeless idea that she could do just that.  
She could remember every other night she spent like this when she became this way, and during those times she would try to remember her life before this all happened.

She'd try to think about how her family and her would sit outside under the night sky and point at different stars, sometimes lucky enough to be surrounded by a shooting star and how they would make as many wishes as they could before it passed. Wishing upon a star was said to work right? Well she was surrounded by them now, maybe if she wished a little harder she might believe that things would be okay even though she knows it's a very very slim chance that they ever will be.

Unfortunately tonight wasn't one of those times where she could just wish it all away, and she knew she wouldn't get any rest and come morning the rest of the team could be worried if they paid enough attention to her, she hoped they wouldn't. She hoped they never would..

She blinked away and rubbed harshly at any tears left and looked at the ceiling of her room, it never felt like a room to her but she couldn't complain about that. After everything was done with in her mind for now she had felt oh so very tired of everything. Physically and mentally, it wasn't an uncommon thing for her lately. She wished once more for the thoughts plaguing her mind to leave her be before she drifted off into a dreamless floating sleep.


End file.
